Marg Stark’s What No One Tells The Mom is an entertaining read for dad too! I haven’t made my way through it cover-to-cover yet, but I do enjoy it every time I read a random passage.
At the end of chapter 9, there is a sidebar titled, “Mommy Experts Tell You How to Get Your Spouse to Lift a Finger.” Renee will agree that it’s not applicable to me, but I read it anyway. Just a few bullet points in, it dawned on me that these tactics would be effective on your older children!
In the past, I have remarked that our teenage son is behaving a lot like the classic father figure from generations past. He prefers his usual distractions, adamantly refuses to change diapers, and requires reminders to do the few chores he has. Maybe this suggests that many men don’t progress beyond adolescence.
Here are Marg Stark’s tips for getting your spouse more involved:
- Make lists of all the specifics you handle. Highlight the highest priorities. Renegotiate.
- Write a plan and post it prominently in the house. Revisit priorities often.
- Leave the baby with him for several hours at a time, from the earliest age possible.
- Acknowledge his breadwinning. Catch him doing something good and compliment him.
- Give him a job, say being in charge of bedtime - baths, teeth, stories, and all.
- Try not to interfere, no matter how poorly he’s doing something.
- Drop your standards dramatically. Expect him to leave tasks somewhat undone, and less than perfectly done.
- Reward help with sex.
- Get kids involved in housework too.
If you are here, you are probably an intelligent and enlightened individual interested in being a better parent. Being the intelligent person you are, it is obvious which modifications you will need to make to a few of the tactics above. You don’t need a warning label on your coffee to avoid burning yourself. You can figure out how to adapt Ms. Stark’s advice for your older children without doing anything inappropriate.
We’ve employed some of these suggestions, and our teenage son is making progress. I can’t stress enough the importance of positive reinforcement. If you follow only one suggestion, then make it this one. You will see what you’re looking for. If you look for a lazy bum, that’s what you’ll find. If you’re looking to catch him doing something good, chances are, you’ll find it. Now that our teen lifts a finger, I’m less inclined to lift one of mine.
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