BE HERE NOW. This phrase, made popular years ago by philosopher Ram Dass, made an immediate impression on me.

There is one simple thing you can do to improve communication within your family. Don’t talk around corners, through walls, or doors. It’s really tempting to do, especially in close quarters. Are we too lazy to get up and walk to the next room to ensure our communication is effective? It’s silly to project your voice from one room to the other when all you have to do is stand up and walk a few feet.

The weight of your own words and your capacity to listen to the other person is greatly enhanced with eye contact. There several great reasons why you should be in the same room with the person you are speaking with:

• When you’re talking through walls, the fidelity of your voice is greatly diminished. You have to strain your ears to listen. You’re more likely to miss a key phrase or word.
• Raising your voice to be heard around corners limits any linguistic dexterity you may have. We’re rarely as eloquent when we yell.
• If you’re sitting down, your voice loses clarity and projection, impairing you even further. You didn’t see Luciano Pavarotti sitting down when he sang.
• If you stand up and walk into the same room as the person you’re talking to, it puts the focus on communication, and away from your multi-tasking. This is a big part of being a good listener.
• Getting up and walking into the other room burns extra calories.
• Communication is the foundation of all relationships. When it breaks down, so does the relationship.
• If you value what you have to say, then it’s worth the effort. Even if it means going up a flight of stairs.
• You reduce instances of “What?” and having to repeat yourself. This may actually save you some time.
• You can observe body language clues that your child received the message or understood it.

There is a big difference between making noises with your mouth and and actually communicating. If communication is so important, why give it a half-hearted effort? If you think your parental wisdom is so important, back up your words with some solid eye contact.

You can sell your teen on this concept by stating the benefit to him or her. They’re the ones complaining that you don’t understand what they’re saying. Give them the means. Sitting or standing face-to-face will greatly improve verbal communication with them. Try it with your children and your spouse. Leave a comment and let me know how much your communication has improved.

If you’re frustrated with a teen who tunes you out, think about your own behavior. When you’re talking to your teen, are you otherwise engaged at the same time? Do you find yourself more concerned with how you’ll respond than what the other person is saying? Your child is like a mirror.

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~e

Marg Stark’s What No One Tells The Mom is an entertaining read for dad too! I haven’t made my way through it cover-to-cover yet, but I do enjoy it every time I read a random passage.

At the end of chapter 9, there is a sidebar titled, “Mommy Experts Tell You How to Get Your Spouse to Lift a Finger.” Renee will agree that it’s not applicable to me, but I read it anyway. Just a few bullet points in, it dawned on me that these tactics would be effective on your older children!

In the past, I have remarked that our teenage son is behaving a lot like the classic father figure from generations past. He prefers his usual distractions, adamantly refuses to change diapers, and requires reminders to do the few chores he has. Maybe this suggests that many men don’t progress beyond adolescence.

Here are Marg Stark’s tips for getting your spouse more involved:

• Make lists of all the specifics you handle. Highlight the highest priorities. Renegotiate.
• Write a plan and post it prominently in the house. Revisit priorities often.
• Leave the baby with him for several hours at a time, from the earliest age possible.
• Acknowledge his breadwinning. Catch him doing something good and compliment him.
• Give him a job, say being in charge of bedtime - baths, teeth, stories, and all.
• Try not to interfere, no matter how poorly he’s doing something.
• Drop your standards dramatically. Expect him to leave tasks somewhat undone, and less than perfectly done.
• Reward help with sex.
• Get kids involved in housework too.

If you are here, you are probably an intelligent and enlightened individual interested in being a better parent. Being the intelligent person you are, it is obvious which modifications you will need to make to a few of the tactics above. You don’t need a warning label on your coffee to avoid burning yourself. You can figure out how to adapt Ms. Stark’s advice for your older children without doing anything inappropriate.

We’ve employed some of these suggestions, and our teenage son is making progress. I can’t stress enough the importance of positive reinforcement. If you follow only one suggestion, then make it this one. You will see what you’re looking for. If you look for a lazy bum, that’s what you’ll find. If you’re looking to catch him doing something good, chances are, you’ll find it. Now that our teen lifts a finger, I’m less inclined to lift one of mine.

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It’s been said that you spend the first 2 years teaching your children to WALK and TALK, and the rest of their lives telling them to “SIT DOWN” and “SHUT UP!” With our 2 month old, Ariana, the fun has just begun. For several weeks she has been sharing her heart-melting smile when we speak to her in that high, “baby talk” voice. But within the last week, she has begun to find her voice and make cooing sounds in response. And it’s gratifying to see how proud of herself she is. I promptly repeat the sound back to her in acknowledgment.

An author from iVillage gives some advice on improving your baby’s language skills. Read the full article here.

Have “conversations” with your baby. Young babies begin the skills of conversing by “taking turns.” They coo, look at you and wait. You coo and they coo back. In that simple interaction, they practice the structure of conversation and they learn that they will be responded to when they reach out to communicate.

I am so fascinated at how soon infants become “teachable”. Mind you, I’m not expecting to give structured lessons on geometry or grammar anytime soon! But I know enough about child development to realize how beneficial it is to reinforce certain desired behaviors. So my work of socializing this beautiful creature is already in full swing.

We’re also getting a crash course in that arena with my 13 year old son. I was very young when I had him. And I was working and taking a heavy load of college courses. So I did not have the opportunity to give that level of attention. It seemed that keeping him fed, dry and cuddled was more than adequate. He’s a great kid. And when he stands next to many of his peers, he shines. But it’s easy to see what additional work it to be done.

It all seems like a lion’s share of work until you realize that you have immediate and significant impact on your child’s development, self efficacy and future success. So FIND YOUR VOICE. Take the time. Give that extra bit of attention. And help your son or daughter continue to grow up to be the magnificent individuals that they are.